My God, but it is a vulnerable feeling to expose myself as utterly and completely as I have been doing here.

My superficial instincts tell me to shy away from it, cover it up, gloss it over and make things look at least a little bit pretty. But my deepest instincts - the ones that come with unnerving intensity directly from core of my being- they give different direction. A voice of unquestionable authority tells me that I must stand and stare at myself unflinchingly, until I want to squirm and hide from the power of my own examination. It tells me that I need this, that I need to feel naked and unprotected, that I need to offer myself over to this, fully and completely.

My gut tells me that I have to strip myself down to the very core, crack open all the hidden parts of myself and give them an unfailingly honest appraisal. I must dismantle myself, the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly and truly regard the reality of me for the first time. I must be raw, and vulnerable and utterly devoid of pretense or façade.

I have to be both brutally honest, and (perhaps more difficult) abidingly kind to myself in the process. The universe has shown me that this is not a path that is satisfied to be walked gently or slowly, no tentative and delicate steps will do. No, this road must be stepped onto boldly, passionately, bravely - and that if I hesitate or doubt I will stumble, and fall and hurt.

I am consumed by the need to write this journey, consumed in a way that I have never before experienced. The writing of this and the living of this are intertwined in the deepest parts of me, so that one without the other is only partial experience. Perhaps this is because although this path is grounded in physicality on one level, it is at its deepest roots a soul journey; and a journey of the soul begs to be recorded.

Right now it is 1am, and my house is asleep. My children are nestled together, dreaming fantastical childhood dreams, in the big bed in the room they share. My husband lies sleeping in our room, on one extreme edge of the king sized bed, while my pillow lies empty at the other edge. Those few feet between us might as well be miles upon miles of separation. Even the dogs and the cats are quiet now.

I was in bed just moments ago, but my mind was whirling with words and phrases until there was no choice but to get up and purge them from my brain. Any writer I have ever spoken with is deeply familiar with the way words often demand to become something in the wee hours of the night; where in the quietest darkness what is most true and real finally feels free to come forth.

And so I comply with the need to quiet the words that are bouncing around my brain, and I get up and return to the computer I had walked away from only a half hour before. I sit once again in front of the bright screen and wait for the inspiration to take over my fingers and give release to the words that kept me from sleeping.

raw…
vulnerable…
exposed…
dismantle…
brutal…
bold…
honest…
honest…
honest…

As I sit here writing, I suddenly realize that it is possible to use the exercise of writing as much to separate and distance oneself from reality as it is to deepen the experience and understand it. As much as writing allows me to reach deep inside myself, it also allows me to step back from myself. I wonder where to find the balance that will allow me to quench the need to record my process, while still satisfying the need to stay present and live it. The balance between benefiting from catharsis without wallowing in self-pity. To write from deep, deep, deep inside this life, and not from a safe and respectful distance.

And as honest and deep as I have gone so far, I know I need to push myself to greater and greater levels of honesty. I need to be even more vulnerable. I need to strip off all my defenses, I need to start tearing down these walls that allow me to pull away, shut down, close off from my emotions. I know with complete clarity that my strength in this is only going to come from being willing to be fragile in a way I have never before allowed myself to be.

I thank you all for being willing to bear witness to my experience. Regardless of whether you know me intimately and have been invited along because of the depths of my faith in you, or whether you have discovered the words of a faceless stranger through random clicks of your mouse – you are giving me a priceless gift. You are holding my hand, sharing your wisdom, saying “I know, I’ve been there, you will survive”. You are giving me the space to dig deeply, and to feel safe being less than perfect. Your comments and emails help me find solace and comfort in the darkest moments, and again when I am soaring high. And with this, you give me the strength and motivation to keep digging, to keep unearthing new layers of myself, to keep putting myself out there in spite of fear or convention or discomfort.

You see, you are all a part of this journey now. Thank you for walking with me.

I have to stand up now, unflinchingly and resolutely, and say yes, I did this thing. I cannot hide from it. I cannot deny it. I cannot escape it. Why did I do it? Why did I betray everything that was solid and real, for something that is ultimately as intangible and elusive as the wind?

“So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…”

You want to know the truth? You want to know the part of this where my guilt takes root and grows until it threatens to overwhelm, my truest confession…

I don’t regret it. I cannot regret it. I will not regret it. I cannot even fathom speaking of regret because it felt like everything in my life had spiraled to that exact point in time. It spiraled to a point as sharp as the blade of a sword that sliced into my skin and left the thinnest line of blood-red desire. Spiraled till the edges blurred and my head was spinning and I could see with a clarity that was so brilliant that it was blinding.

I did it because I NEEDED it. I needed it like I had never experienced need before in my life.

[And, when it all comes down to it, doesn’t that sound like the biggest crock-of-shit-justification for bad behavior that you’ve ever heard?]

I made a choice that wasn’t ever a choice at all. I was in the most egocentric, selfish, self-centered place I have ever been. I needed, I needed, I needed. And my need came at the expense of his heart. My wholeness at the expense of his brokenness, of OUR brokenness. There is no justification or excuse or explanation that could even begin to cover it, and I have to own it. I have to own it like I’ve never owned anything before in my life.

“But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.”

Truly, I couldn’t say no. If I am going to a place of deepest honesty (and that is what I promised myself I would do when I started this blog) I never really, truly considered saying no. Not once we were in that space, with nothing between us but that spinning, spiraling, all-consuming need and want.

In that moment, every should-have, could-have, would-have disappeared until there was only me… and her.

Her.

I have not written much about her, about this person that I didn’t even know a few months ago and who has now become a forever part of the narrative of my life.

HER.

Perhaps it is too immediate, too entangled, too NOW to write of at this point. Perhaps it won’t ever feel safe to share. Somehow, although I feel comfortable sharing the most intimate details of this transition here, what is between her and I (this undefined, unconfirmed, uncertain something) feels too intimate, too delicate, too fragile to release right now.

But what can I say about it without feeling I am sharing what should not be shared? What can I say that honors what this has been for me, without glossing over the less-than-pretty bits?

It is glimpses of potential and wisdom imparted and lessons learned. It is tenderness and frustration and protectiveness and expectations and growth and softness and electricity and never feeling truly on balance where she is concerned. It is build up, and it is let down. It is hope-against-hope, and the universe telling me to stay still, sit tight, remain open. It is me trying hard to listen and learn and just ride it to the end. It is intense attitude and occasionally unguarded eyes full of all the secrets in the whole wide world. It is putting up walls and tearing them down, it is softness and it is toughness, fighting not to care and diving into attachment. It is laughing and it is tears and it is struggling to understand. It is a beautiful paradox, and a painful one. It is everything standing in the way, and nothing between us at all.

The only certainty about what it is, is actually more about what it isn’t. It is not forever, or even for much longer - it was created on a foundation of understood impermanence. She leaves this place in a few short weeks, not planning to return. She has her own journey, her own places to go, her own battles to fight.

So, she will leave, and I will stay. And no matter if I one day wish I didn’t, I will always carry a part of her with me. And honestly, in spite of it all, right now that feels really, really good.

Complete Lyrics
They Weren’t There - Missy Higgins

You breathed infinity into my world
And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.
We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.
Then you said, “wait for me we’ll fly the wind,
We’ll grow old and you’ll be stronger without him” but oh,
Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare of
Any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand
And led through fields of naked land
Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could’ve past for all I knew.
You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn’t say,
I wouldn’t say “no”. But they all said, “you’re too young to even know,
Just don’t let it grow and you’ll be stronger without him”
But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,
But I was alive and now I’ve drowned.
So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song
So they can tell me I was wrong…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…

But they weren’t there beneath your stare,
And they weren’t stripped ’till they were bare
Of any bindings from the world outside that room.
And they weren’t taken by the hand and led through fields
Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away…
So I couldn’t say “no”.