My life right now seems to be marked by a never-ending series of highs and lows – swinging so fast between them sometimes that I can’t tell which way is up and which way is down. Disorientation to the extreme.

Actually, I’m lucky. For the past little while I’ve been finding my way to that sweet spot of Zen that makes even my current inner turmoil seem manageable. Overall, I’ve been in a pretty good place with everything; optimistic, pragmatic, hopeful for the future. But still, given my reality, there is often darkness lurking just around the corner - usually when I least expect it.

I can handle the ups and downs much better than this empty feeling, the one I get when I let myself get so bogged down in all the drama that has become my life that I cease to feeling anything. Anything, that is, except for a particular form of numbness that starts in my center and extends outward until it permeates every fiber of my being, until everything feels stripped of life and even my eyes look vacant and empty. A protective mechanism, to be sure. I get that. It’s as if there are no feelings left in me to express. I’m just….done.

As of last night I’m just done. Yesterday was a day of extremes - so much good, so much bad. The good stuff? Personal and professional success beyond my expectations. Pride, in myself and in the people I work with. We did good last night, real good. Dinner with about 20 great people, some of my nearest and dearest and some I’d like to know better – four restaurant tables full of brains and beauty and kick-ass attitude. The knowledge that I am blessed beyond measure to have such people in my life.

The bad? Where do I even begin….

Hmm…A quick synopsis of the day: Got caught in a lie, tried to fake normalcy and failed miserably, felt trapped, distant and awkward with the person closest to me in the world, knew that I am fucking up my family in ways from which we are unlikely to fully recover, spent time with someone I have not seen in a while who always leaves me feeling a little unsure and off-kilter, watched another someone make destructive choices and was utterly powerless to do a damn thing to stop it.

I was pretty messed up already today, but it’s that last one that sent me over the edge.

Other people’s shit is never about me, always about them. No matter how close or how distant the relationship, how much or how little I care, how their actions confuse or hurt or sadden me – I’m never more than a supporting player. Life is a series of choices, and I can’t ever be responsible for anything but my own. Simple as it sounds, that is one of those truisms that I always seem to forget along the way.

I want to stop bad things from happening to people that matter to me. I want to save them from themselves. I want to have the power to make it all better. And I can’t and it sucks and it hurts and I hate that there is not a damn thing I can do about it, because it’s simply not about me. The only thing I can ever do is be clear on my own boundaries and needs, and to try to be available if I’m needed.

The end result of all the above, is that by the time I got home last night I just turned off, tuned out, shut down. I’m so deep in my body and so lost in my own mind that I can’t quite find the energy to climb out of it. Feeling this way is very uncomfortable for me. It freaks me out. I’m far more comfortable feeling sad or mad or scared than I am with feeling nothing. This sense of being totally and utterly vacant is unsettling, it feels wrong.

I know I just need to give myself time. Time and good music and the company of friends who always know just the right words, who understand that a long cuddle on the couch can make the day seem brighter and who are totally sure holding hands and skipping through the park is not a silly way to spend the afternoon.

I can’t fight my way out of this, or distract myself out of this….in fact; I can’t get out of it at all. The only way to the other side is straight through, and the only thing I can possibly do is love myself through it.

And so, here I go. Wish me luck.