He’s hurting, no doubt about it.  He’s hurting worse than he has in his entire life; to the point that sometimes I know that the pain rips his breath from his body.  My journey has left him reeling, and confused and like everything he thought was true might not be after all.  Despite this, he continues to be the most amazing man I have ever met.

Yesterday I checked my email to find a message from him with the title “Strong New You”.   Here is what I found when I opened it.

“I see so much strength in this new person you are becoming. I always knew you had strength, but this is different; it’s in a different league altogether.

Whether or not you know it, there is a level of confidence coming from you like I’ve never seen before.

There is something newly amazing about you now that is hard to put into words, but there no doubt that it’s there.

Despite what the future holds for us, I am so happy that you are coming into your true self and will be a happy and complete woman.”

I have thought from time to time that this would be so much easier if he was a jerk.  If we had a bad relationship, if he’d just act like a total dickhead every now and then.  But the fact is that he’s not.  He’s a good, good man – so good that I’ve always questioned whether or not I truly deserve him.     To know that I am the source of the pain he is in is so difficult to bear; my guilt is bottomless and deep.  And despite it all, despite of the damage I’ve done, regardless of how much he hurts because of me – he is still the kind of man who would take the time to write that email.

It is impossible not to love him.